


The Infamous Dick Weasel

by nerdlife4eva



Series: Crusaders of Fluff! [15]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anal Sex, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Humorous Ending, Inappropriate Humor, Kissing, M/M, Oral Sex, Satire, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 16:53:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13574853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdlife4eva/pseuds/nerdlife4eva
Summary: After five hours of long, hard practice, Yuuri is in desperate need of something else long and hard.





	The Infamous Dick Weasel

**Author's Note:**

> It's Sunday and it's Satire. (If you take this seriously, I can promise you are doing it wrong). 
> 
> Thank you to the always impressive [atelerixe](https://atelerixe.tumblr.com) for servicing this story like the perfect beta she is. 
> 
> And thank you to [KatsukiFatale](http://archiveofourown.org/users/TrumpetGeek/pseuds/katsukifatale) and [DiamondWinters](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DiamondWinters/pseuds/DiamondWinters) who are both cunning linguists and you should click your mouse over to their breath-stealing stories. 
> 
> And I also dragged the innocent [Magical-Mistal](https://magical-mistral.tumblr.com) into this, the end picture is all Mistral's talent and I've accepted my wet noodles lashes for dragging her into this. 
> 
> If you want to find me (and preferably not lynch for this this), you can find me on Twitter or Tumblr!  
> [NeRdLife4Eva](https://twitter.com/NeRdLife4Eva)  
> [n3rdlif343va](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/n3rdlif343va)

Practice sucked. It sucked worse than drunk Victor playing how many licks to get to the center of the Yuuri dick on the first night Victor had given him head. Yuuri kicked at the ice in his frustration, feeling the muscles in his back tense from stress as he raised his arms above his head to stretch. He had been on the ice for five hours and for all five hours all he could think about was getting dicked.

Running a hand through his hair, he glanced in Victor’s direction only to find his husband leaning on the barrier wall, ass presented in the most tempting manner. Feeling the sexual frustration snap like an old condom stretched over a too big dick, Yuuri huffed a heavy breath and skated toward his love.

Victor barely had time to spin around as Yuuri came almost flush to his chest. Eyes wide, Victor felt his heart begin to race as Yuuri stared him down, a mixture of lust and determination burning in his brown eyes.

“I think we’ve practiced enough today,” Yuuri ran his fingertips over the swell of Victor’s thigh. “Time to go home so your narwhal can make a commotion in my ocean.” Smirking, Yuuri playfully grazed over Victor’s sex pistol before returning his hand to his own hip.

The blush instantly spread over Victor’s cheeks. Yuuri knew exactly what to say to rev his engine. Leaning forward, Victor kissed Yuuri’s cheek and whispered, “I’ll launch my skin rocket straight to your prostate moon, my Yuuri.” He heard Yuuri’s breathe hitch and smiled with his own ability to take Yuuri’s erection from six to midnight. Stepping back slightly, Victor slipped his hand into Yuuri’s and tugged him to the exit.

“Did you say narwhals?” Yuri yelled from his spot on the bench. “I love those things!”

Neither Victor nor Yuuri heard him as they snapped on their blade guards, their bedroom eyes and thundering hearts making it impossible to concentrate on anything else. They needed to get out of the rink and home to their sex den before either of them nutted in their pants.

* * *

 

Some days they were patient and could shower separately, each taking their own time to clean and prepare themselves for a night tangled in the throes of passion. Other days, like this one, they were already too worked up to spend longer than a second without touching one another. Tumbling naked into the bathroom, clothes scattered through their apartment, Yuuri shoved Victor into their shower. The water splashed over them as they knocked bottles of body wash onto the floor of their shower in their haste.

“Yuuri,” Victor moaned, letting Yuuri suck at his neck like a sex-crazed vampire desperately seeking the taste of heated blood, “what has you all jazzed up, my little cock pilot?”

“Five hours,” Yuuri groaned as Victor’s thigh slid between his legs, pressing up into his gleaming love sword, “for five hours, I watched you parade around in those stupid leggings, your trouser python practically hissing my name.” Dropping to his knees, Yuuri shoved Victor back against the wall with his hands pressed into Victor’s thighs. Brushing his nose against Victor’s pubel area, Yuuri licked a thick stripe up Victor’s skin pickle, collecting its briny juices as they leaked from the tip.

Victor’s head dropped back against the shower wall, half of him wanting to let Yuuri devour his one-eyed yogurt slinger until he was drained of all his pent-up love juices, but the other half (the louder half) wanted nothing more than an entire night of erotic bumsexery with Yuuri’s bang hole. Lacing his fingers into Yuuri’s hair, he pulled his husband off of his man meat, dragging Yuuri to his feet and licking the taste of his own cock chowder from Yuuri’s mouth. Pulling away to pant staggered breaths, Victor pulled Yuuri into his body, leaning down to nibble Yuuri’s earlobe. “Come on, Yuuri, let’s get out of here so I can ravage you with my cock-a-sauras rex.”

Melting at Victor’s skilled dirty talk, Yuuri quickly dumped soap over his body, scrubbing his skin as Victor raced to do the same. Squeaky clean and ready for a trip to fuck town, they stumbled from the shower, hurriedly patting their skin dry before tumbling towards their bed.

Victor’s divining rod guided him in between Yuuri’s leg, twitching and ready to plunge into the well inside of Yuuri’s body. “I’m going to run you up my fuckpole so hard, everyone will know you saved a horse and rode a cowboy instead.” Magically whipping a bottle of lube into his hand, Victor popped the cap, dumping it on his fingers and rubbing them together while sexily flexing in eyebrows in Yuuri’s direction. His Herculean lizard twitched with dripping interest as he ran a finger over Yuuri’s glorious pucker, pressing the first finger through the ring of muscle that guarded Victor’s personal heaven.

“Vitya,” Yuuri moaned, back arching like the reading rainbow, while his toes curled into the sheets. “Please, I’m ready for you to sheath your anal dagger in my skin scabbard.” Using his heel to press against Victor’s fabulous natural globes, Yuuri moaned again for reemphasis.

Humming, Victor removed his fingers, using the same hand to slick up his purple-headed sex snake. Leaning down, he ran the tip over the sensitive edge of Yuuri’s butt gate, grazing it up to trail over Yuuri’s ball satchel, and letting it play in the wild fields of Yuuri’s pubes. “All around the pubic hair bush,” Victor sang, “the dick weasel chased the asshole, the asshole thought it was all in prep,” lining himself up, he continued, “POP goes the dick weasel!” With the last line, Victor sunk into Yuuri’s ass cannoli, ready to stuff it full of his cream.

* * *

 

Five and half minutes later, Yuuri was busy licking Victor’s cum gun, his own baby gravy having been enthusiastically slurped up by Victor’s needy tongue, when Victor’s phone began to beep on the nightstand. Picking it up, Victor burst out laughing, jostling Yuuri from his quest to consume all the remnants of Victor’s spent pecker snot. Flipping the phone so Yuuri could see the text, they both flopped across the bed, holding their stomachs as they laughed at Yuri’s outrage.

_"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! Otabek just explained what you guys were talking about! Narwhals are innocent animals! Jebus Cripes!”_

Turning to face Victor, Yuuri flicked his nose, wondering how long it would be until Victor would be ready for round two. Happily, he accepted Victor’s welcoming arms, cuddling into Victor’s chest and relaxing into their joint nakedness, tipping his head up to watch as Victor sent Yuri a link to the Narwhal song on YouTube. “You’re terrible,” Yuuri snorted, shaking his head against Victor’s chest and flicking his tongue out to tease Victor’s closest skin raisin.

“But you love me,” Victor tossed his phone back down, curling onto his side and dragging Yuuri up for a kiss.

“No question there,” Yuuri laughed, pressing into Victor’s body and slinging his arm over Victor’s naked shoulders. Placing little kisses across Victor’s nose, they both continued to laugh as Victor’s text alerts filled the room. Angry Yuri was a tomorrow problem, tonight their only care was how many times they could sink the sausage before they both passed out from exhaustion. Grinning as Victor’s weapon of ass destruction twitched with interest against his hip, Yuuri sat up to press Victor down into their mattress, ready for another round of burying the weasel.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Can I still be in the fandom?


End file.
